Being Deaf in a Hearing Family
All families face challenges, your daughter (or son) wear too much makeup, your husband or wife doesn’t pay you enough attention, your grandparents are slightly racist, it’s simply a fact of life that every house has its cross to bear. However, mixed deaf-hearing families have some unique challenges.
Families with deaf members usually encounter some form of communication problem, which can make some social interactions difficult, leading to frustration, stress and even isolation.
Deaf people are expected to adapt to a hearing world, but isn’t it only fair to expect the same courtesy from your family? Having to explain yourself or defend your language constantly is exhausting. When you’re with family, you want to relax and take a break, spend some quality time together. Unfortunately, not all deaf and hard of hearing people have families that make an effort to communicate with us.
I don’t want to you to ‘tell me later’. Tell me now! I’m all ears, so to speak. We deaf people can only truly be ourselves when we’re in the company of others that strive to understand and communicate with us.
Is your family deaf to the challenges?
Hearing families with deaf members, or deaf families with hearing members, have been found to have difficulty choosing between different communication approaches and also struggle between cultural identities – deaf or hearing.
This was clearly illustrated in a heartfelt article posted by Rebekah Rose-Mundy on The Limping Chicken early last year. Rebekah spoke of how she dreaded Christmas because of how family gatherings made her feel isolated and detached, no-one making an effort to communicate with her.
Many readers related to Rebekah’s post, commenting that they had similar experiences growing up and how it hurt when their hearing families couldn’t be bothered to learn to sign or clearly communicate with them.
Members of my own family tell me I can hear perfectly well when I want to. Actually, I am such a good lipreader that I fool many people into thinking I can hear. My sister rolls her eyes when I don’t hear her, and even punched me on the day of my dad’s funeral because I didn’t respond when she spoke to me from behind. I can’t help being deaf, can I? I don’t want to turn around every time I hear a sound, to look for the speaker and read their lips in case they said something and was it meant for me – I need to relax as well. I think hearing people should make the effort too – communication is everyone’s responsibility. Since I have had my cochlear implants, my hearing is vastly improved and I can understand some speech. It amazes me how effortless it is when I am able to understand a voice by hearing it, rather than use lipreading. Hearing people don’t know how easy they have it!
I took to Facebook again and asked the deaf and hard of hearing community how they experienced family life.
The Good
- “My family and friends are really good. They have to have a lot of patience to repeat themselves.”
- “My family is learning sign language for me.”
- “My immediate family is very patient and understanding. They know the ‘deaf rules’ such as facing me, not talking away, speaking loudly and clearly.”
- “We work together finding solutions and adapt. I’m kind of lucky.”
The Bad
- “My daughter, 25, has no patience.”
- “My family doesn’t make an effort; they shout at me all the time. I have to remind them not to shout from another room but to come and talk to me face to face.”
- “I have to remind everyone repeatedly.”
- “My family doesn’t care.”
- “My family communicates with me mainly via text, and with my lipreading, however, I no longer get the usual invites to family events/parties. Maybe they think it would be too much stress for me, or easier for them, who knows.”
- “I get teased by my cousins at the best of times.”
The Comfortable
- “You have to grow a thick skin and understand that your loved ones are human and might forget about the hard of hearing/deaf part.”
- “Rely on your dog(s) for understanding.”
- “I still get looked at as though I am thick by friends. I have explained over and over again that I am deaf. It’s not rocket science. I can cope with being deaf but not with having to keep explaining it. I do not have to explain to my dog with whom I live, one of the reasons I love him so much.”
Side note: I agree. I love being with my dog for the same reason, he loves me unconditionally, and communication doesn’t depend on hearing or lipreading. We have the bonus of him working as a Hearing Dog, so we’re always together, we look out for each other and we’re the best team ever.
The impact of deafness on your family unit
It’s clear that family life in a mixed deaf-hearing household is not easy. Research done on the topic shows that deafness has a significant impact on 4 domains:
- Family interaction: The family’s ability to have open conversations, solve problems together and have meaningful relationships.
- Parenting: Parents involvement in their children’s lives and supporting them.
- Emotional well-being: Both hearing and deaf family members feeling supported and being cared for. Helping alleviate stress and frustration.
- Resources: Access to deaf services and deaf service providers.
Of course, the above domains will also be impacted by your family’s ethnicity, income and members severity of hearing loss. However, the first step is recognising the impact and being aware of how it might affect your family dynamic.
Tips for mixed deaf-hearing families to overcome their challenges
Deaf and hard of hearing Facebook groups came together and shared their tips on helping deaf-hearing families cope with their unique challenges. Some of the below techniques have also been gathered from around the online world.
- Each family member must consider the needs of both hearing and hard of hearing family members when deciding how you’ll communicate with one another.
- Choose and develop communication strategies together.
- Try and have dedicated family time to discuss issues that came up during the week and develop a plan of action going forward.
- Plan dedicated family time to just enjoy being together.
- Start slow and have your family try fingerspelling. Kids from the age of about 7 enjoy learning to fingerspell
- Repeat back important information if you’re unsure if you understood them correctly. It’s a good way of self-checking.
- Don’t make fun of your deaf parents or siblings – it’s not okay.
- It’s unfair and frankly disrespectful if you’re facing away from us and speaking – look at me when you’re talking to me.
- Don’t treat BSL, ASL or lipreading as a party trick or just to learn swear words. That is not cool.
- Maintain an open mind. Have a supportive attitude about your family’s special make-up.
- Even if a hearing family learns to sign, it’s not like living in a house of fluent signers – manage your expectations and be patient with your family.
Grow closer as a family by developing strategies for communicating and connecting with the people you love. Be proud of what you’ve overcome as a family and know that you are stronger together when you consider each member’s unique needs and requirements.
Like every challenge we as deaf and hard of people have overcome, the actions we take in our family life determine how we shape our future.
Do you have a story to share or tips for other deaf-hearing families? Post your comment below and let’s support each other in this journey we call life.
Source: Hong, J.Y. & Turnball, A. Family quality of life from the perspectives of individual family members: A Korean-American Family and Deafness. International Journal of Special Education. Vol, No. 2. 2013
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Reading this, I relate so much to this.. thanks for sharing. I came from all hearing in my family with myself being the only one with hearing loss.
Same here
Yes it is tough.. but I learned to try to enjoy life in whatever ways I can.
Very good article!
I consider good communication someone who gets on your level and cares that I’m included.. I don’t need every word just main points!! Like my kids automatically making sure the cations are on.. ❤️
I’m not going to bother you if it’s a burden and too much trouble but pen / paper or text or face to face clear speech helps so much. If I feel a part of what’s going on and included every so often I’m ok with that.. i don’t want the whole room to stop and be singled out I HATE that being put on the spot like it’s my fault I didn’t get it.. shrugged off like I don’t matter..
Strangely my own mother gives up most times.. I think years with deafness in my dad she gives up.. but she does make calls for me.. my family who have hearing loss use hearing aids but they don’t work for me.. one family member learned deaf language with me but I more loved her closeness than the lessons which made me anxious.. she went home to practice with another I had no one to practice with.. so learning alone I lost interest.. sorry so many don’t have any idea how to be around me..
I have the problem with my siblings not keeping in connection with me too, sometimes I’ll get upset ti learn that they all got together somewhere or even were invited to a cookout and they never invited me. I feel left out and I have talked to them all to please include me. They still doing the same thing. I got to the point where I just say forget it, I find my own fun with my husband and meet people at a bar, or lounge. Then I has my own kind of fun. It does hurts when your own family don’t invite you or include you. I think it’s because they feel that I’m such a burden and they don’t want to have to take the time to talk to me or repeat things. It’s heartbreaking
I’m so sorry that happens.. yes we must find our own fun.. ❤️
Finally i can relate to this! Im the only one whose HOH/DEAF in the large hearing family. When we have families gathering (special occasions/visiting relatives in so cali)…..i feel left out due of communication barrier (and no one know ASL). So I wish they could pick up or learn some……
I was left out too I am only deaf
Everything written above is so true to me, my mother used to get so crotchety with me when asking her to repeat things, my children say no matter not important which infuriates me.
Going to family gatherings are a nightmare as you seem to become invisible and wish you weren’t there. I’ve got now that I much prefer my own company and back away from being in others company but realize there’s times when I do need support with hospital appointments etc as not always catch what’s been said.
My mother and father were both deaf. We are six adult siblings. My mother I am sure, felt left out at tmes or isolated. We all have our hearing. years ago, they treated deaf poorer people as diabled people.