Until Deafness Do Us Part : Deaf-Hearing Relationships
Can Deaf-Hearing Relationships Work?
Romantic relationships take a lot of work. But what if one person is deaf and their partner is hearing, are deaf-hearing relationships possible and if so, is it worth the effort?
I was in a relationship with a hearing guy for 7 years. In the end, he decided that it was “too difficult” being with a deaf person. Which is stupid because it’s been 7 years and I am an excellent lipreader, all he had to do was look at me when speaking and I’d understand all of what he said. So, I couldn’t see the “difficulty” he was referring to.
If we had an argument and he didn’t want me to hear, he would make phone calls and mutter or hide his mouth so I couldn’t understand. He treated me like a dependent that couldn’t do anything by herself, like drive a car or move house.
My next relationship was with a deaf man, and we just understood each other, it was very easy. I didn’t have to explain my deafness or communication, and that included conversing with his family.
Curious about how other deaf and hard of hearing people experience deaf-hearing relationships, I took to Facebook and posted the question to my friends. If you would like to read all the comments, and there are a lot, please feel free to send a request and connect with us in the groups. Links are provided at the bottom of this article.
I summarised all the comments into 3 primary categories and included some of their best tips on ensuring deafness does not dictate your relationship status.
It works because it’s one more thing couples work through together
Overall, most comments were positive, with many deaf and hard of hearing people referring to deafness as just one more challenge couples have to work through together. They are of the belief that deaf-hearing relationships are just like any other relationship – you get to know and understand one another’s needs and wants, and then you adjust and adapt.
Your hearing partner will get used to watching TV with subtitles, and you’ll also have to get used to how they do certain things, for example having breakfast for dinner three times a week.
- “Hearing Loss is just another challenge. And there are loads of challenges in every relationship”.
- “It’s the same as with friendships – you work out what works for each person and accommodate”.
- “It’s not a problem unless you make it one. Love is universal”.
- “If you truly love someone you take them for who they are, warts and all.
- “There are times he forgets he can’t have a conversation with me from another room. There are times when I don’t always wear my hearing aids. It’s all about compromise; no one is perfect”.
- “My husband married a hearing woman, and then I lost my hearing 25 years ago. I am now profoundly / severely deaf. Although he has to help me sometimes, it hasn’t changed a thing in our marriage. It helps that he is very patient and kind”.
It doesn’t work because hearing people won’t make the effort
There were also quite a few comments from people that had negative deaf-hearing relationship experiences, very similar to my own. They felt disrespected and rejected by their hearing partners who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to communicate with them effectively.
Many of us deaf and hard of hearing people can’t stand going to crowded places, like busy restaurants, because the background noise makes it too difficult to concentrate on the conversation. It’s a very real frustration, and if your partner is not willing to accommodate you, then you don’t have to put up with them either.
- “He’ll roll his eyes at me when I don’t understand or ask him to repeat himself”.
- “Hearing people are not motivated to learn to communicate with us. They don’t want to ‘waste’ their time”.
- “We’ve been married for 12 years, and he hasn’t even learned how to sign to better communicate with me. We have a lot of problems”.
- “Our cultures are too different – hearing vs. deaf culture – we can’t relate”.
- “Some hearing people will take advantage of your deafness and only pretend to want to learn to communicate with you, then they’ll start to ignore your needs, and instead of repeating what they said they’ll say something stupid like never mind, I’ll text you”.
- “He didn’t have enough patience to repeat himself or write down on a piece of paper what he said so I could understand”.
It all depends on finding the right person
Having read every comment, the overall theme that became clear was that for a deaf-hearing relationship to work, it all depends on finding the right person. A good hearing partner is patient and willing to repeat themselves.
If the love and respect are there, everything else falls into place. Good honest, clear communication is the key to any successful relationship.
- “I am hard of hearing, and my husband is hearing. He helps me if I can’t hear something and he makes an effort to speak directly to me and is also looking to learn sign language with me”.
- “She is good with subtitles and flexible when it comes to picking where to sit in a restaurant”.
- “Married in a deaf-hearing relationship for 17 years now. Our relationship is based on mutual love, respect and communication”.
- “The right person will be honest, open and patient, with a great sense of humour”.
- “A good hearing partner will include you in conversations, support you and be open about issues so that you can work through them together”.
Best deaf-hearing relationship tips
Yes, people are different, and you might prefer to be in a relationship with a person that shares your level of hearing capabilities. However, if you are in a deaf-hearing relationship or are open to the idea, then read some of the best tips provided by couples that are making it work.
- “Choose someone with a good sense of humour, who is kind and has endless patience. And if you are hard of hearing, develop strategies for managing yourself, so you don’t become over-reliant. But, that can be said for any relationship”.
- “Treat people the way you want to be treated.”
- “Misunderstandings will occur, you need to be able to laugh at yourself and with your partner. It’s the bizarre moments that make life interesting”.
One of the best tips I read was that for a deaf-hearing relationship to work you need to have micro-dates, where you can discuss communication strategies.
What Gianluca and I found really useful was to have regular ‘micro-dates’ where we could discuss what was and what was not working in our relationship, especially when it comes to hearing loss and communication. It’s a time that we can openly discuss how we’re feeling and how we can improve our communication.
It reminds Gianluca that I care (so much!), and we decide together what we both can do differently to ensure we’re always heard. And because we regularly set time aside for our ‘micro-dates’, we don’t get cross and snappy in the heat of the moment when we can’t hear each other and frustrations have built up.
– Elise PA Jackson, digital marketer at Superhuman Hearing.
Every relationship is different. As long as you are in a healthy relationship with mutual respect and a partner with the patience of a saint, hearing-deaf relationships can work. Like with any other type of relationship, it all comes down to you as individuals and the effort each of you makes to communicate clearly and understand one another.
If you have any tips on making a hearing-deaf relationship work, please add your insights to the comment sections below.
The above quotes were gathered from 3 Facebook groups:
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It does been married 27 years.
I side with the first category: it’s just another obstacle.
Don’t get me wrong, my wife can be rather audist at times. She thinks I’m ignoring her, she thinks I’m playing up my deafness, etc. (Sometimes, she’s even right. :P) But, overall, she’s understanding and this obstacle is no different than those she faces being notably short, our different personalities and approaches to things, etc.
In fact, even with occasional problems, she’s adapted quite well to my needs. Subtitles are a standard in our house, and she enjoys them because she can understand the show even with the kids being loud. She’s begun to learn more and more ASL signs, which she likes because we can communicate from afar. She’s even encouraged (and participated) in Deaf events.
Even though it’s frustrating, so is marriage. 😛 I think anyone can work through anything.
All relationships need lots of give and take. The same with deaf/hearing but there’s no reason they can’t work.
It can work if that person with a normal hearing is more understanding and have the patience to communicated with with a hearing loss person.
Of course, they can work. Make sure that you give your partner all the emotional support they need. And try not to let the fact that they have a problem totally influence your daily life.
We’re lucky to live in the modern day where hearing aids are getting more and more sophisticated and easier to navigate.
Here’s a post by the experts: http://www.hearlink.com.au/industry-news/new-advice-relationships-hearing-loss/
I don’t get it
I don’t believe that hearing should date deaf because in reality, it doesn’t really work but then, deaf and deaf in relationships and vice versa doesn’t always work either because of communications! Too many hearings take advantages of the deafs for their own pleasure! Believe me, I’ve been there many times and I’m deaf myself.
You are right I feel the same i deaf married to hearing wife I am just kept like mule I Am stuck in marriage and I can’t find deaf female
@littlechick
I don’t believe so. Hearing people are very much capable of dating Deaf people. Hearing people need to educate themselves and familiarize themselves with Deaf Culture and vice versa.
I’m a Hearing lady and my husband is Deaf. We both make sure we learn about each other’s cultures and create a communication system that works for us both. I am now so good at NSL that I’ve become a natural signer every though I’m hearing.
Our household is what we make it.
Everyone is in a relationship to give something and also to take something. It’s up to you both to decide not to take more than what you give.
I have found a man that is everything I appreciate, respect and love. He is a blessing and he feels fortunate to have me as well. Our differences are not what we base our relationship on. Reading these negative responses make me feel even more fortunate to be with him. He’s not resentful, nor judgmental, nor righteous. A great, great, man!
Hello everyone
My name Ryan
I’m a hearing person. I’m here to learn what it takes, and what kinds of problems I can expect in a hearing-deaf relationship. So happens I’m talking to a lady for marriage and she is deaf. From what I’ve read about the character traits for a better success of a relationship/ marriage, All except one fits me. Good sense of humor. I have a little of it, but not a whole lot. I like the idea of doing micro dates. I think that is a great idea, I plan on using that to help better our communication skills, and better our understanding of how to deal with the everyday obstacles that we come across in our future marriage to each other.
We both have a lot of patience, and our love for each other seems to be growing each day. I had some experience with finger spelling and some words, but I have the sincere desire to learn ASL, and realize need time to be more proficient in communicating with her. I understand this going to be a challenging transition.
I welcome all feedback with what I said, but please keep it positive.
Rayyan
Hi All, I though I would add my little experience as a hearing man married to a deaf woman. Everyone’s situation is unique, so my experience may not be applicable to you, but maybe it could help.
My wife was born deaf, got a hearing implant at the age of 5 and learned to listen and lip read. She does not speak sign language. We’ve been married for two years now.
Everyone probably think COMMUNICATION is our challenge. It is sometimes a challenge, but it pales in comparison to other issues caused by her deafness. My wife is excellent with lip reading and okay with hearing, but her language skills and vocabulary are very limited. Communicating simple everyday things is not hard. We just have to be close to each other and look at each other when talking, and I don’t mind repeating myself and using simple language she can understand. Complicated matters can be a challenge. Often she does not know the words I use to explain another word she does not know. Even writing letters to her often fail in conveying complicated information.
The real challenges in our marriage are caused indirectly by her deafness, not directly. She is often irritable, or totally upset by the smallest thing. She easily becomes verbally of physically abusive. She cannot handle conflict. She wants to control me in any conflict situation and will simply ignore me, use manipulation, physical force and if that does not work she will call her parents or flee to them saying I was abusing her, which I never did. If I do get a chance to speak my heart to her, she sometimes gets a panic attack. She has limited social and emotional skills. Emotional intimacy is hard. She often does not understand my feelings and often says she simply does not care if she hurts me. She sometimes use the most inappropriate ways and often very unpleasant ways to communicate her feelings and even her love for me. If even just my facial expression shows I don’t like it, she is furious. That’s how limiting her social skills can be. I believe most of these issues are related to her deafness. There are many studies that found a very high prevalence of such issues among deaf, and one study reports that 40% of deaf people are mentally ill.
So I can honestly say, we have a very difficult marriage. Studies also found the divorce rate of deaf-hearing couples to be 90%. That is saying something.
So if you are hearing considering a relationship with a deaf person, be on the lookout for associated issues. Communication may not be the only challenge. If you are not prepared for these challenges, rather spare the two of you the pain and rejection of divorce. If you are deaf, be honest about other challenges you may have and get help and sort them out as much as you can before marriage. This is my advice.
If you are in a similar marriage, my advice is: understand that just as they cannot help being hearing impaired, they cannot help these associated issues. Its caused by unnatural development while growing up because of their deafness. Forgive them, and try to help them instead of becoming bitter, angry or resentful. This is where they really need your love and support, when they are most unlovable.
If you are Christian think about this: Jesus loved us while we were still sinners and gave his life to us, while people were nailing Him to the cross, He said: “Father forgive them”. Your spouse needs you to extend this unconditional love to them. You have received it so you can give it. And never fear. The fear that your spouse is ruining your life may be overwhelming, but fear will make you hurtful, angry, defensive or aggressive and you will add to the problem. (That’s who I become when I allow fear in my heart.) Believe every word God wrote to you in the Bible. Faith will keep you safe in His love. So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6 That is my saving grace is difficult time. Thank you Jesus.
Doesn’t sound like any of her behavior is directly or indirectly caused by her deafness… it just sounds like she is manipulative and abusive. Don’t blame that on her deafness, that makes it sound like all Deaf people have abusive tendencies when that is just completely false.
May the Lord Jesus strenghten you and your relationship brother. I will include you in my prayers. ❤
I am married to hearing wife I am moderately deaf .i can do many thing myself but sometimes I needed help.she see me As I am burdened to her and kept me as someone in house we sleep separate I feel rejected by her and tried to leave her but couldn’t do it because I cannot find deaf female.i feel it’s not fair hearing can find without any problem but deaf have to suffer.i wish I was married to deaf at least we understand each other and we are in same boat.even If we separated I will have house and job
I’ve found the love of my life. I am hearing and my soon to be wife is deaf. She is very patient teaching me asl. We still have to use the phone at times to make sure we understand what’s being said. But I have been so very hungry to live in her world. We have miscommunications all the time but it takes patience and love to fix it. I’ve been in too long term relationships with hearing women. This is the first relationship with a deaf woman and so far the best. She’s so kind and sweet patient and loving and a beautiful heart. It does take a sense of humor we have to except each other‘s faults. There has been very many challenges. The deaf world and hearing world “culture” Is drastically different. It is it’s own world one and the other. What I’ve learned is that you have to be in love with that person and that person has to be in love with you. I am 50 she is 38 she has three girls I have two children one girl one boy relatively the same ages. All three of her girls are hearing mine are hearing as well. It’s very difficult for her to communicate with her girls. I’m very supportive of teaching the girls the deaf culture as I learned. What I’ve learned is that I found the sweetest most loving woman in the world that is deaf. I wasn’t searching for a deaf woman I’ve never had experience with deaf people it just happened. True love Will get you through anything no matter what.
I am hard of hearing and my partner is hearing. It’s been hard in our relationship because they haven’t put in the effort to learn sign language and when we are on a call, sometimes my subtitles won’t work but they still refuse to turn their camera on so I can lip-read. We are struggling a lot right now.