The Deaf Community: Independently Disabled
We, as a deaf community, are very independent. We have jobs, romantic relationships and yes we can even drive a car. Sorry if that shocks some hearies reading this.
Side note, the expressions hearies (for hearing people) and deafies (for deaf people) are acceptable terms.
Like most people, we can sometimes feel sorry for ourselves; for example when our boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with us or when someone eats the last piece of cake we’ve been saving especially.
It’s okay to sometimes feel a little sorry for yourself, maybe it’s even a bit therapeutic. What is not okay is for others to feel sorry for us simply because we are deaf or hard of hearing.
We don’t want your pity
Once when I went to get my hair cut at a salon in Chicago, where I was living at the time, I told the hairdresser: “I am deaf and won’t be able to hear you while you’re cutting my hair.” I have to remove my hearing aids in order to get the hair wet and cut. Her unexpected and very apologetic response: “Oh… I’m so SORRY! So sorry about that!”
I’m sure she wasn’t purposefully trying to make me feel inferior like I was missing out on something amazing. But, her reaction made me feel stupid like I was someone to be pitied. It’s not a very nice feeling.
Most of the time when something like this happens, I’ll just smile and nod and move on. However, there’s been recent Facebook chatter about this topic and I felt it’s time we addressed the issue. Before I go into more detail, I want to share some of the Facebook responses I could most relate to.
Facebook stories
The Facebook post that started the conversation was published by Tyler Ruffino at 6 October 2017 in the Deaf and Hard of Hearing group.
Tyler was working a 7-hour shift alone in “the shop” (I am not aware of the particulars) and stuck a note on the front of the cash register that stated a hard of hearing employee was working the till and customers should feel free to shout for assistance. Perhaps not the best or safest solution, but that’s what she did.
While ringing up a customer, the lady read the note stuck on the cash register and said loudly: “Oh, sweetie, you’re hard of hearing? I’m so sorry for you, I can’t even imagine going on living if I lost my hearing. You’re so brave, I’m inspired.” Then the lady dropped some coins into the tip jar and left.
Tyler’s story got tongues wagging with similar stories.
- I work as a caregiver and every time my clients find out about me being deaf they instantly feel sorry for me.
- I hear “oh bless your heart” a lot, which makes me feel like a dumb puppy dog.
- I had a lady pray for me and ask God to “pop” my ears and open them up so the child (me) can find a good husband and have a good life.
- One person actually told me she couldn’t imagine not being able to hear and would rather be blind than deaf. Wow.
We’re not here for your inspiration
While we’re on the topic. Please stop calling our disability “inspirational”. When you do this you are assuming our lives must be terrible, and that it’s courageous to just get up every day. Being deaf is not a bad thing and it doesn’t make us exceptional.
Most of the deaf community love being deaf, it’s part of our identity and we wouldn’t change that. There’s nothing wrong with being deaf, just as there is nothing wrong with there being different races.
I have even been told by family friends that I am deaf because I did something very bad in a past life and I’m paying for it in this life, so they are being kind to me. Whatever next!
Many hearing people assume we would jump at the opportunity to become part of the hearing world when in reality many deaf people would feel a loss because they would be giving up their deaf culture.
We deafies understand that sometimes when unexpectedly confronted by someone who is deaf or hard of hearing, people can say the wrong thing, feel uncomfortable or are uneducated about proper etiquette. We’re all human, we make mistakes and we should learn from them.
But, when you say things like “I feel so sorry for you”, it makes us feel angry and embarrassed. We could retaliate with a similar statement; “Oh, I’m so sorry you have to be plagued by the awful sounds of screaming children, screeching alarms and the annoying sound of a mosquito buzzing around your head”.
I wrote this blog post to help deafies know they’re not alone in their feelings and for hearies to understand why we sometimes seem rude. It’s because we just caught the look of pity in your eyes. We don’t want your pity or to be your inspiration, we want to be accepted as we are. That’s all.
If you have a story to share, please leave a comment below and let’s get the conversation going and start understanding each other’s worlds better.
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its Ok to be deaf,,, its ok to try to live the best life you can also.. dont judge me if i want all that i can get out of my life to make it better, im not bothering anyone who doesnt want an implant,, live and let live
Implanted children are still deaf. I’m a mom of three sons, two who are deaf and implanted. The youngest no longer uses his CI for various reason. No, choosing to not implant is not neglect or abuse. My oldest son was implanted 16 years ago, and as a military family, we’ve lived all over the US, have known many other hearing families of deaf children. I find that many, if not most, hearing parents of implanted deaf children never learn sign language. That’s more neglectful to me. Our oldest son is bilateral, studied Arabic for two years in high school, now a dual major in special ed and communication disorder sciences in college. Most people talking with him would never guess he’s deaf (his hair covers his CIs). We have ALWAYS signed with him. Our youngest son was implanted early, yet for several reasons while the implant works perfectly, he communicates much better without it. Forcing him to keep it on would be abusive at this point, and I say that with years of experience with both sons. There is no plain and simple answer, sir. And judge others so easily is actually quite ignorant.
I like hearing with my CI’s. I do no not want to be deaf again. I was discriminated against and people acted like I was dumb while deaf, never again.
Do you consider yourself a hearing person now after having a CI ?
I’m deaf but can hear with my processors on.
Best description of a CI user is “I am deaf but yet I am not deaf” Each person must decide the life style they chosen.
well I hear when I have my processors on so yes I guess I do. I was only deaf for 4 years. I started hearing again at age 65.
Do you know why she reacted that way? Saying I’m sorry? Maybe she right she had been rude to you?
I’m deaf myself. I identify with this 100%
Link to my blog http://www.deafgeekyguy.com
I always tell newly HOH people that it’s not the worst thing in the world. Get your aids, get support , and do what you have to do to get in with life. That sounds harsh but there are many worse things that could happen
I am hearing impaired (70% hearing loss) and can relate to this very well. When people find out about my hearing loss they automatically relate my condition to age. They will make a statement like “ Oh, my grandmother was hard of hearing”. It’s insulting. I’m not your grandmother I’m me. Please if you find out someone is deaf or hearing impaired think before you respond and be normal. Ask what they would prefer you to do so they can hear you. Articulate your words be clear audible and face them when you are talking. It will go a long way in making both of you more comfortable
Brilliant article! But not all of us think its great to be deaf!!!
Please read this article it is so valuable.
Deaf community should be treated the same as everyone else, they would feel odd if everyone they met had the same opinions as the article stated.
I agreed with the community of discussion about life transition changes which I’m taken the business to next level I recommend the article state
Great article. I’m dealing with some of these issues as well..
I just left a church I was going to for a year now because people kept trying to pray for the healing of my ears. And this is the youth pastor. Teaching kids to not accept people as they are.