How to Make New Friends as a Deaf Person
You know how difficult deafness is, but what surprises many people, especially those who’ve lost their hearing later in life, is how lonely it can be.
Depression and loneliness often arise as a result of isolation, from the struggle of communicating with friends and loved ones.
Ironically, hearing loss often means you have to be more sociable and outgoing so that people will want to take the time to clearly communicate with you.
In this blog post I want to explain how being deaf affects your social life, so you have realistic expectations, and what you can do about it.
How being deaf affects your social life
It is difficult socialising and trying to make new friends when you can’t hear and have to wonder what everyone is saying and if they’re saying something about you. It’s even worse when people make fun of you when you’ve misunderstood what was said. You lose confidence, get frustrated and give up.
I recall an incident in my first job, working in a supermarket in Gibraltar. I was on a checkout till and had to deal with the customers, which was nerve wracking. What I didn’t expect was for a colleague – a colleague! – to make fun of me in front of all the customers in the queue, publicly making fun of the fact that I was deaf and couldn’t understand what was said some of the time. She thought it was hilarious. Nobody said anything to her. That kind of incident can knock your confidence, especially when you’re just fresh out of school.
You avoid joining colleagues at the pub or going to a friend’s birthday party. The anxiety that goes with group gatherings is just too much. But now your friends and colleagues have stopped inviting you and you’re alone all the time. You may want to consider deaf counselling to help you reach your full potential.
Most of us don’t have much of a social life. The primary reasons for this are:
- We don’t want to be a burden. You might think people are talking to you because they are being kind and you feel guilty of all the effort they have to make to communicate with you.
- You have trouble reading social situations. Because you can’t always hear what people are talking about you might say the wrong thing at the wrong time or miss the fact that the topic of discussion requires a sombre mood and your anecdote about last week’s shopping trip will not go over well.
- As a deaf child, you might have been the only deaf kid in the neighbourhood and at school. Because you weren’t taught how to communicate with your peers, you had difficulty developing friendships and that still affects you today.
- You feel that socialising is simply not worth the effort. It’s not fun when communication is stilted or limited.
Why is friendship important?
Deafness affects communication which is crucial for developing social relationships. I understand how much of an effort it can be to build up the emotional and psychological energy to talk to people and make new friends. However, we need friends to support us and help us be happy and live our lives to the fullest.
Loneliness is a recurring theme embedded within our disability, and the antidote to loneliness is making and keeping friends. I’m not saying you need to be popular or have a waiting list of people eager to spend time with you. But, a few meaningful friendships is essential for emotional support and believe it or not friends empower you to succeed, even in business.
I’ve become friends with some of our clients and we have explored business opportunities together. Lisa Caldwell is one example. When we connected, I discovered she is fun and gutsy, then she got a dog, and she has looked after my Hearing Dog Bailey when I’ve gone abroad. I have watched her grow into her hearing loss and develop her business called The Hearing Coach which aims to assist others like herself, who have acquired a hearing loss as an adult. I’ve tried to support her when she reaches out and in turn, she has supported me when I needed a little magic dust. A friendship born from understanding the deaf card we’ve been dealt with is a very precious one, because that kind of emotional support and understanding is in short supply.
The friends you surround yourself with can provide different viewpoints on a situation and give you a reality check when it’s needed. Friends help shape you into the person you know you have the potential to become.
This holiday season, prepare yourself for friendship.
How to get a social life when you’re hard of hearing
Socialising with a new group of people or in a new setting can be scary and you’ll probably be exhausted in the end, but it is worth it.
Start with the ones you know
To make the idea of socialising less intimidating, start with the people you already know. Remember the co-worker who always invites you along or the friend you’ve not spoken to in a while? Reach out to them and invite that one person to your house for coffee or some other place that’s quiet and you’re familiar with. Start slow. Build your confidence.
Join a deaf support group or attend a deaf event
There are plenty of get-togethers for deaf people in the UK, for example at the Slug and Lettuce pub in Leicester Square.
If you’re not ready to venture out, a safe place to start might be to join a deaf and hard of hearing Facebook group and connect with some like-minded individuals there. Start a conversation and ask for advice and insights from people who’ve already walked the walk.
Another friendship opportunity it to join an organisation that supports the deaf community and meet new people that way.
Don’t exclude hearing people
Be upfront about your hearing loss and describe your specific type. Let them know what the best way to communicate with you is. Take a trusted friend or family member with you for support if you’re feeling anxious.
Don’t be afraid to ask the hearing person if you can move to a place that’s better lit and less noisy so you can see their facial expressions and hear them better. Carry a pen and paper with you in case you’re meeting new people in a noisy environment, they will appreciate the effort.
Want to start a conversation but don’t know how? Show off your cool and colourful hearing aids, if that’s what you’re into, or get them interested in the art of lipreading.
Maintaining and strengthening friendships
Make it a habit to get people’s contact details and keep in touch. Not every person you meet will be friend-worthy, but sometimes you need to shake a few hands and make small talk before you find the one you connect with.
It might be hard at first, but start to accept more invitations. If a new friend invites you to do something, accept more times than you decline. And vice versa, invite them to do something with you.
Making new friends or rekindling old friendships is hard, but the benefits of developing these relationships far outweigh the efforts and frustrations that go into it.
So, if someone has invited you to a New Year’s or Christmas event, think twice before automatically declining. You might just meet a group of people that will change your life for the better.
If you have any friendship making tips to share, please leave a comment below.
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Love this! I’m already pretty awkward without being hard of hearing , but lately I’ve been losing a lot of it faster than usual and its making it really hard to make new friends or socialise because of it
Yes it’s tough isn’t it! Hearing people don’t realise life is all about communication and we’re stuck in the middle!
This article speaks to me in a big way. The more hearing I lose the more depressed and isolated I’ve become.
Have you met up with other hard of hearing people in your are, are you in touch with a local group?
Yes and I’m pretty vocal and good with recognizing when people are talking to me, but I really need hearing aids but because of the reason I got my loss (I had a growth in one ear and the other one is lazy ) so it could be dangerous to get some because it could cause lots of problems so people can’t really see the disability and they tend to forget that I have it and they get mad when I dont understand them
You could get a Tshirt that says ‘I’m deaf’ on it … at least it would raise a laugh with the hearies when you tell them Yeah actually ….!
I have one that says “the walking deaf”. Lol. I still haven’t worn it. 😟
Love it! You should wear it! – and perhaps dress appropriately?! 🙂
Yeah! Sometimes I wish I could just have it tattooed across my forehead
Could you advise if something similar to the Access to Work is available in Australia?
I’d suggest contacting Job Access. https://www.jobaccess.gov.au/
Find really difficult in a group of people. Most pubs have back ground music this makes hearing impossible
Yes I agree, this is always a difficulty for people with a hearing loss. Some hearing aids and cochlear implants have a directionality function, or can be linked to a device such as Phonak’s Roger Pen which picks out a person’s voice.
I might have only lost hearing in one ear about 5 years ago when I was 18, but this article speaks to me on so many levels. My anxiety alone has been downright crippling at times. This article has definitely given me some perspective and closure so thank you.
I am 24 year old hard of hearing from UK i am some kind heated loyal friend but unfortunately I don’t have friends i don’t have someone to talk to except my family but I want a social life.
Hi Ahmed, I’ve been in this position a long time. I’m now 49 and only just realising it’s my hearing, and not me being stupid that made socialising hard. It’s never too late to work on it and now I’m pushing myself to get out there, slowly, I’m not rushing into anything that will make me anxious.
Hi Ahmed
My name is adam
I live in uk too (London)
I am profoundly deaf too
And has no friends
I will be happy if you contact me
I’m looking for some friends who would like to chat. I’m hard of hearing and I sign english. I’m 34 years old I’m fully deaf in my left year and almost deaf in my right. I can hear a lil bit .
I am a hearing person , no trouble with hearing at all. I read this whole thing to understand the deaf community’s difficulties. Im only 14 and I learned sign language because I saw it interesting and I met a few deaf people in my virtual reality game. They are all so nice and if I ever meet a deaf person in real life then I can be a friend as for knowing sign language. When I have kids I want to teach them sign when they are young as well.
Hi Courtney, that’s fantastic, I love your attitude. I wish more people were as accommodating as you! 🙂
Try being introverted and losing hearing. A double whammy. At work, I could go for weeks without anyone saying more than 2 words to me–and hoping I understand the two words. The burden of having to say everything twice or three times for years on end is just too much. Being in a room where more than 2 people are talking or people talking via speaker phone is exhausting and just sounds like noise. Cranking up the volume does not work in a group setting.